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Part 3

Wow, I didn’t mean to leave you hanging there. Both my kiddos got pretty sick. DS1 seemed more flu-like, DS2 got an ear infection. I also nanny for a baby girl and she has had a cold too. Sick kids! I also had a big cake pop order. They turned out really cute and the person who got their really loved them.

Anywho, so what happened? I have a couple of ideas.

First, I graduated. Suddenly I didn’t belong. There was no group to be apart of unless I wanted to join a bible study with people twice my age. The church I was with at the time sort of just cut me off. I told them if they needed any help to let me know. They never called. It was depressing. S, my mentor, also moved, so my contacts were dwindling as it was.

Second, and it’s interesting that I’m writing about this now, but one of my dear friends passed away on Valentine’s Day in 2005.  He was the drummer in our band, and I always considered him to be like a little brother. B was so fun, and talented. After the funeral I had an extremely hard time attending service because first his drum set sat there empty, and then someone else filled the spot. After it was filled I couldn’t bring myself to go anymore. I did end up getting married in that Church because I had no other Church home, but I haven’t been back since.

Third – this is pretty personal, but here goes. I had sex before I was married. It was with my now DH, so I can say I’ve only been with one man. However I still feel guilty (he doesn’t know this), and a bit tarnished. I think this is just something I need to forgive myself for.

 

So I’ve distanced myself. I do belong to a church of sorts now, although we’re not officially members. And as I said I don’t attend regularly, just when the choir sings. I really need to work on that.

Speaking of work, I’ve been working on being a help-meet. That is the purpose of all this. Lately I’ve been trying to not bicker about things. Letting my DH “be the boss”. Giving him final say. Yesterday I caught myself. I want to get a new dining room table because the one we have is quite small, so I found a very reasonable set on craigslist. I showed it to him, he kind of scrunched up his nose…it’s not my style either, but it’s incredibly functional and sturdy. We went back and forth a little…and then I remembered to let him be in charge. So I said OK, if you don’t want it, we won’t get it. Funny how not putting up a fight suddenly has him considering what I’m asking for.

 

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What happened to my Faith part 2

“I feel like I’m living the 1930’s life, I work, you stay home and take care of the kids and clean the house.” Said DH before heading off to his second job yesterday (DH works part-time at a coffee shop as we try to shovel ourselves out from debt).
“Yeah,” I said.
“Two years ago you would have been mad that I said that.” (Two months ago I would have been too.)
“Maybe I was wrong.”

It’s become apparent that even in this short time he’s noticing a change. And there’s been a change in him too. When he got home last night I mentioned that I was having a hard time with DS1, I don’t know if it’s related but he tidied up a bit without me even asking in the slightest. It wasn’t a lot but it meant the world.

——————-

This is a continuation of the question: Where did my faith go? You can read part one here, it’s mostly just background but still good to know about me.

DH and I met online when I was 13 (GASP!). We became fast friends, best friends even. I could talk to him for hours, about anything, about everything. It often got me in trouble, because I would stay up too late. Mom would ban me from the computer but I would sneak on anyways. I felt lonely on the days/weeks/even months that for some reason or another we didn’t talk. It was never romantic though, he had his girlfriends, I had my boyfriends. I always had this little crush on him though but being half a country away it just seemed silly. The summer before my senior year (he’s two years older), I told him about my little crush. He admitted he had feelings for me too. We decided to give it a chance. This by the way was the first time we had both been single at the same time. But yes we were living thousand of miles apart and I was still in high school. It wasn’t for another year that I met him, the summer after I graduated. Only I didn’t just meet him, I moved in him with him and his family. My Dad, an alcoholic kicked me out and I wasn’t speaking to my Mom. I bounced between friends for a couple of weeks until I turned 18 and then I took a chance, bought a one way ticket and moved in with him in August of 2003.  Here’s the quick version of the rest. I missed my family enormously, I moved back WITH him in May of 2004, he proposed in May of 2005, and we married in September of 2006. So it worked out people, I found my one online. But what does this have to do with my faith?

It has everything to do with it because at some point in our relationship (I don’t remember when exactly) DH told me two things. 1. That one of the main reason’s he fell for me is because I wasn’t scared of my Faith. I was proud to be a Christian, I told everyone. I would gladly give up a social event for a church thing, and often did. Most weeks you could find me at Church 3 (or more) days a week. 2. When DH was a regular Church attendee back in his home town, before I was in the picture, his pastor asked him to describe his perfect woman. DH’s description eerily resembled me, both physically and my personality.

So what happened to number 1? I don’t attend Church 3 days a week, not even regularly. I am usually there once a week for choir rehearsal but I generally only attend service if the choir is singing. I certainly don’t gab about my Christianity to the general population. I really only have one friend that goes to Church, and I don’t even talk about it with her. I’m timid about prayer (although I honestly always have been). And I don’t extend myself to be more involved or participate.

I have an idea of what happened…but I think I’ll save it for next time. You know I wasn’t really expecting this to get so lengthy.

Have you had a falling out with your faith like me?

Katie

Where did my faith go part 1

I grew up in a Lutheran Church, today I still attend a traditional Lutheran Church. It is not about being Lutheran, but I find a lot of comfort in that setting. It is what I know, and I like the tradition of it. When I was young I went to Sunday school like many other Children. When I was 9 my parents got a divorce and so attending Church regularly became a little sporadic. My Mom usually went, but if I were to go “with” my Dad it was more like he dropped me off and then I would have to wait to be picked up. I didn’t go to Church much after that until I was forced to in 7th grade for Confirmation.

When I was younger I believed that the divorce didn’t affect me, but I see now it did. I became a pretty angry and withdrawn girl. I was forced to get confirmed, I didn’t out rightly protest, but I sure did grumble and roll my eyes a lot. Do I really need to listen to these guys talk for 2 hours every Wednesday and then socialize with a predetermined group being separated from one of my closer friends? Not only every Wednesday but every Wednesday for 4 years?! At the beginning of confirmation my Mom also forced me to go to a youth event. That’s where I met S.

S was a game changer for me. She was the youth director (not pastor) and organizer of the Youth Leadership Team (YLT). S called out my pessimistic attitude straight up. It bothered me so much that she would call me pessimistic that I forced myself to smile around her and tried to participate just to prove her wrong. She’s the only one in my life that has called me Kate, and the only one that will ever be allowed to at that. S convinced me to get more involved, I was allowed to join the YLT in 7th grade rather than at the usual high school requirement. And I started serving the Lord through leadership.

With my fellow YLT I sang songs, put on skits, organized games and events for the younger children. In high school I worked with the music director and we started a band. We played before confirmation sessions (all ages) and our big thing was that we played for the midweek Lent services. I went along on retreats to be a chaperone and do YLT and band things. I went to camp every summer and was a counselor in training. I was going to be a counselor after I graduated.

I enjoyed reading the bible. I loved singing his praises. Church was home for me.

_________

This is getting lengthy, so I decided to split it in to two. :) Tune in next time.

In other news DH and I went to the pro hockey game last night. It was a blast and a great night out. After we got home and the boys were for sure asleep DH actually opened up to me a bit. I feel like my little bit of effort is starting to have some effect on him.

<3
Katie

The beginning.

Posted on

Have you seen my about page? It gives you a general idea of what’s going on here, but let me elaborate.

This is my journey to become a helpmeet or in modern terms a house wife, home maker, mom etc. But I’m not doing it for me I’m doing it for my husband and God. But here’s the kicker, my husband did not ask me to do this, he would never ask me to do that. He also has no idea. I haven’t told him my plan. I feel he might think I’ve gone completely daft.

Here’s where it gets personal, and just another reason why I want to keep this private. My husband has unmedicated depression. It’s not horrible, things are probably 85% good but I get really bent out of shape when he goes in to the bathroom seeming just fine and comes out totally withdrawn and seems angry. When my husband had a bout with depression about two years ago he went to talk therapy and was actually on medication for a while. He didn’t tell me much, but one thing he told me is that being in a mess is one of his triggers. I don’t blame him, I don’t like sitting in a messy house either… but I’m a bit domestically challenged.

For a long time I pushed and pushed him saying I need help, I can’t do it by myself. Half of this junk was his anyways, so get off your bum and help and we’ll have a clean house. Recently though, I’ve come to realize that I can do it, and I want to do it. First it was for me, now it’s for him. In scouring the internet for cleaning tips and ideas I came across Time-Warp Wife and I was intrigued. I downloaded her ebook and read the entire thing in an afternoon.

I used to laugh at these house wife type, why on earth would you want to stay home and clean up after your husband and have meals ready for him when he gets home? My husband even jokes about such things. “Why are woman’s feet smaller than men’s? To fit under the sink ledge so they can do dishes.” And yes, this is a joke. Or he would again say jokingly “WOMAN! Go make me a sandwich!” To which I would just roll my eyes. But dealing with the depression, discovering I can handle the mess, and maybe I enjoy the work (a little), I suddenly see why. And then finding that it was in fact God’s intention makes it uplifting, and easier.

So here’s my goal, to be my husband’s helpmeet, and reintroduce God in to our family. More on that later.
I want it to be natural though, I don’t want my husband to wake up to a stepford wife, so I’m starting small. This week aside from getting the house cleaner (these things take time), I am making sure I give him a kiss in the morning (if I’m awake), when he gets home, and before bed. Simple, small, but a start.

Katie

Hello

Posted on

Welcome to my blog. I have a lot to say, but I’m not always the most articulate. Even though English was my best core subject in school I do not consider myself a writer. It seemed like every time my pen hit the paper to write something creative or of me my mind would go blank. I can write a research paper any day. I apologize if my writing lacks the captivating finess that most people look for when reading a blog; it does not come naturally to me.

Now for another disclaimer” if it were. I’m going to be as open as I can be, maybe even too open for the web. For that reason all I will disclose about me is that my name is Katie, I am 26, I’ve been married for 5 years now, and have two boys. I would like to keep my privacy at this point from those that are near like family and friends.

Where do I start? I’m a stay at home Mom to my two young boys. DS1 will be 3 in March, and DS2 will be 1 in June. It was never my plan to have children OR stay home with them. I worked full time pretty much since I graduated high school up until I was laid off in early 2009. DS1 was an oops (no not that kind of oops, we got married in 2006). I was laid off when I was 6 months pregnant and I was totally devastated and probably a little depressed, who on earth was going to hire a pregnant lady with 3 months to go? And then 2 months, and then 1 month. After DS1 was born it was another 6 months until I found a job and it was only a part time evening job. I couldn’t work days because I wasn’t being paid enough to afford daycare. Then I picked up a different part time job that paid better, so I worked day hours and quit the evening job. Then, I got laid off, again. This time I told my husband that I just wanted to stay home. He agreed for the most part, but asked that I try to find a little something. So, I did. I worked very part time teaching about a craft and even though I made next to nothing it was a reason for me to get out of the house. And that’s how I came to be a stay at home Mom. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I believe God was telling me that is what I am supposed to do. He called for me to take care of my family.

That’s all I have for today… :)

Katie