Wow, I didn’t mean to leave you hanging there. Both my kiddos got pretty sick. DS1 seemed more flu-like, DS2 got an ear infection. I also nanny for a baby girl and she has had a cold too. Sick kids! I also had a big cake pop order. They turned out really cute and the person who got their really loved them.
Anywho, so what happened? I have a couple of ideas.
First, I graduated. Suddenly I didn’t belong. There was no group to be apart of unless I wanted to join a bible study with people twice my age. The church I was with at the time sort of just cut me off. I told them if they needed any help to let me know. They never called. It was depressing. S, my mentor, also moved, so my contacts were dwindling as it was.
Second, and it’s interesting that I’m writing about this now, but one of my dear friends passed away on Valentine’s Day in 2005. He was the drummer in our band, and I always considered him to be like a little brother. B was so fun, and talented. After the funeral I had an extremely hard time attending service because first his drum set sat there empty, and then someone else filled the spot. After it was filled I couldn’t bring myself to go anymore. I did end up getting married in that Church because I had no other Church home, but I haven’t been back since.
Third – this is pretty personal, but here goes. I had sex before I was married. It was with my now DH, so I can say I’ve only been with one man. However I still feel guilty (he doesn’t know this), and a bit tarnished. I think this is just something I need to forgive myself for.
So I’ve distanced myself. I do belong to a church of sorts now, although we’re not officially members. And as I said I don’t attend regularly, just when the choir sings. I really need to work on that.
Speaking of work, I’ve been working on being a help-meet. That is the purpose of all this. Lately I’ve been trying to not bicker about things. Letting my DH “be the boss”. Giving him final say. Yesterday I caught myself. I want to get a new dining room table because the one we have is quite small, so I found a very reasonable set on craigslist. I showed it to him, he kind of scrunched up his nose…it’s not my style either, but it’s incredibly functional and sturdy. We went back and forth a little…and then I remembered to let him be in charge. So I said OK, if you don’t want it, we won’t get it. Funny how not putting up a fight suddenly has him considering what I’m asking for.